Any new jokes?

[Hopperbin]

New tractor driver was learning the auto steer and asks boss, so what do I do with my hands all day, boss says grab your balls and hang on. Somehow it sounded funnier when the other guy told it.

[TOM4CWB]

Hopper,

My joke is trying to get my Select winter wheat delivered to the CWB.

Been trying to deliver since October... yesterday at my pushing for a decision, from the CWB, on what happened... they blamed me for not delivering by January. The tender system for Select winter wheat cars is a Joke. The CWB is making the grainco's pay the select premium.

THis whole thing is a farce... but I guess not a 'new joke'?

[parsley]

Seems something fiting about being completely uncouth on such a sunshiney June morning, so here goes:

A blind farmer was heading for Hong Kong in his private jet to sell his frozen turkeys when he sensed something was not right.

He caned his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind farmer fumbled around for the radio and started calling the tower:
"Mayday, Mayday!"

The tower responded, "What's the problem?"

The blind farmer screamed, "Help me! I'm blind and the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" There was a pause.

The tower asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"I know because the shit is running down my back!"

[parsley]

I'm a blonde.....lol

A blonde capitalist, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a painter in a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of a fancy house and asked if they had any painting for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about $50?" The man was pleased, shook handds, and pointed to the paint and ladders in the garage. The man's wife, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Koldkanuck]

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

[Koldkanuck]

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

[Koldkanuck]

Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

[fjlip]

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one, but you have to feed him in slowly...oh yuk

[checking]

A male and a female rabbit are being chased by two foxes. The rabbits dive into a culvert too small for the foxes to enter. One fox sits down at the culvert entrance. The other crosses the road and sits down at the exit.

A conversation takes place between the trapped rabbits. The female says, "now, what are we going to do." The male replies, "we'll just stay here until we outnumber them."

[Wheatking]

Three hookers where sitting around talking about the tricks that they had the night before.

Hooker 1 says that I had a doctor the night before. The other two ask how she knows, and she replies that she had to give a blood sample before doing the deed.

Hooker 2 says she had a lawyer the previous night. The other two ask how she knows. Well I had too sign a declaration that I would not sue if anything went wrong.

Hooker 3 says she had a farmer the night before. First he complained I was too dry, then complained I was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall after harvest.

[bigsteve]

THE CANADIAN WHEAT BOARD--WHERE THE LOWEST PRICE IS THE LAW. copyright-Zellers

[TOM4CWB]

Zellers:

Hudsons Bay Co.

The biggest monopoly western Canada ever saw! They owned the whole territory!

Funny how the more things change...the more things stay the same!

Where are our 'Club Z' points!

[rockpile]

Two Blonds from Saskatchewan are driving to
Vancouver. It turns nightfall by the time they hit the
Rockies. It is a beautiful clear evening with a big white
shiny moon in the sky. One blond says to the other
"gee, which do you think is closer, Vancouver or the
moon?" The second replies "Well duh, do you see
Vancouver?"

Why are Blond's cars top governed to 68 mph? Because
if they get to 69 they blow a rod.

[burnt]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Well beer nuts are about $2.50 and deer nuts are under a buck . . .

[gregpet]

The problem with lawyers is that 99% of them give the other 1% a bad name.