Cold Spring Morning Humor

[agchat]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing
some History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little
Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from
Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,
1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the
People, by the People, for the People, shall not
perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's
try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not
what your country can do for you, but what
you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air
and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you
should be ashamed of yourselves.
Little Akio isn't from this country and he
knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she
angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General
MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm
gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!
Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah?
Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his
hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton,
to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said,
"You little s--t! If you say anything else, I'll kill
you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his
voice, "Michael Jackson to the children
testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh s--t, we're
screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "Albertans, 'if' Justin
Trudeau wins the Liberal leadership and gets
elected PM".

[charliep]

A couple of jokes I got sent this morning.

Wife Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Cal Pistol!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire! Here is her story:

“While out hiking in British Columbia, Canada with my husband, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

“ If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband’s kneecap was all it took. The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection …”


Joke 2

Will I Live to see 85? Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned seventy one).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs.’

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?’

[SASKFARMER3]

Well just got home and WTF snow is still all over the place and more on the weekend.
Predict now we will be going the 10 to 14 we lost a week now!

[bucket]

Don't worry SF3, you are always done by the 15th. lol.

[cottonpicken]

Sometimes i wake up grumpy,sometimes i let her
sleep in.

[fjlip]

That might be June dates.

[sddickson]

True story

Some where in the southern states
A little old lady had to make a court appearance to explain why she shot the man that tried to steel her purse.
After listening to her explanation as to why she shot the thief, the judge said to her " yes yes I understand, but why did you have to shoot him six times in the back as he was running away ?
The little lady looked him straight in the eye and said " because when I pulled the trigger the seventh time ... it only went ... click "

[Hopperbin]

10 to 14th? Think about it that is almost 5 weeks away. I dare you to go back to florida for 5 weeks.

[BTO_farmall]

Hopper,

You Triple-Dogg Dare Me??????

[SASKFARMER3]

We have no acreage in our area that you can see stubble the side roads are blocked 8 to ten foot drifts or higher. No I wont go on holidays now were in full spring prep mode. Cleaning and repairing equipment. But in reality wont be moving till the 10th unless 30 plus temps arrive.

[Burbert]

Ifn it melts that qvik saskframers'll be
swimming on the 10th, not framing. Git
ready fer another big whine and
snivelfest, yain't heard nothin yet, more
framer handouts on the way, eh. fharperenf
ritzietoo!

[wilagro]

Mein Gott, some of these people have been whining and sniveling about the snow not melting since March started. When my grandfather came to Helberta in 1907 there were snow drifts 10 feet high on the 10th of May yet already. They wondered what they had got into coming to this country.

I guess Mother Nature is supposed to do what these modern farmers want or they can't cope and they have a hissey fit. Relax, the snow will melt and the crop will get in SOMEDAY.