JOKE TIME

[cottonpicken]

Dog wisdom

If you cant eat it or screw it,piss on it and walk away.

Anybody alse got any?

[padron]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal **** fights being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.



"Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," Desormeaux replied, "I went down and done seen dat **** fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

De duck won."

[TOM4CWB]

A tour was given of the most successful factories in the Soviet Union!

The factory tour leader boasted:

In our first year we produced 500 units,
In our second year, 5000 units,
In our third year, 100,000 units,
and In our fourth year, we expect to produce and find a market for 500,000 units!

As the tour ended... the factory elevator broke down and stranded them.

One of the tourists asked the factory tour leader, what do you produce in this factory, so many things were breaking down I couldn't tell?

He answered: "Out OF Order" Signs.




Two Border Guards are standing on the Berlin Wall.

One Guard says to the other: Are you thinking what I am thinking?

The other says: YES.

THe first says: Well then, I am going to have to arrest you!



Why was East German toilet paper always two ply?

Because the SOviet Union told them they must send a copy of everything back to Moscow!

Two men on the street meet... and the one without toilet paper sees the other guy has a nice roll of toilet paper.

He is very angry and asks where the other guy got toilet paper from, because he couldn't buy any anywhere!

The guy with the toilet paper begs him... Please leave me alone...

I didn't buy it...I just got mine back from the dry-cleaners!


A Lady in Communist East Germany goes into a shop with empty shelves everwhere.

She rings the bell and the shop keeper comes out... she asks, I see you don't have and cheese... when...

The shop keeper interrupts her and says:

Oh no, we are the shop that has no meat, the shop with no cheese is across the street!


Did you hear about the Soviet judge who was laughing and laughing so hard he could hardly contain himself?

A friend asked... what was so funny?

The Judge contained himself from laughing just long enough to say:

I can't tell you...

Cause I just sentenced the guy who told it, to... 10 years of prison!


Did you hear there was a competition in the Soviet Union for best Political Joke?

1st Prize was 25 years hard labour!

[grassfarmer]

Another joke is that Tom is still telling jokes about the misfortune of people living in the former eastern bloc countries. Time to move on, how about updating to some modern Russian mafia jokes at least? Jokes about how well the free enterprise system has benefited these same downtrodden people. Or is it a necessary part of maintaining the redneck Alberta culture that you perpetuate the Mc Carthyite "reds under the bed" scare stories?

[jensend]

another tom joke is that he has this issue with socialism while he is the benficiary of subsidies (albeit not as large as his capitalistic american friends) such as crop insurance, etc.

[northfarmer]

you are funny grassfarmer, .....your insecurity is the joke!

[grassfarmer]

What insecurity is that Mr northfarmer that knows absolutely zero about me?

[TOM4CWB]

Grassfarmer,

I truly would like to move on... however it would seem you are the one who does not understand just how socialist Canada is.

We as "Designated Area" CWB grain farmers have obviously have not paid all our WWII debts yet... when might we be able pay this debt off... by 2043?

[silverback]

Did you leave Britain because you had to or you wanted to Grassfarmer?

Did you move to Alberta to try and make it into a union/socialist dreamworld like you seem to think we need here?

If you have such distaste for the opinions and thinking of Albertans, why don't you pack up once again and head east where the NDP and Liberal mentality is going strong. There is a lot of great cattle country in Saskatchewan just begging for someone of your talents in grass management.

[grassfarmer]

I'm glad you asked silverback, I left because I wanted to and because my future over there was threatened. You see I'm a Conservative, always have been, I'm the third generation that were members and volunteer party workers. With the fragmenting of the UK back into seperate countries Scotland is faced with having a permanent socialist government due to most of it's population being in the industrialised central belt. Without the counter balance of the conservative constituencies of rural England the writing was on the wall as far as i'm concerned. I'm also fiercely independant with regard to the EU and had no desire to be ruled by a "European super state" - we fought two world wars to prevent being part of one of those.

So to Alberta - a long standing conservative stronghold. Except to my horror I have realised we are way past the comfortable conservative values I'm used to. Almost fascist in some respects but the biggest disappointment to me has been the total sell out of Albertans and Albertan resources to the US. Spent last night at a meeting fighting off a proposed oilfield waterflood project in my area. Do you know the Alberta Government actually forces oil companies to indulge in this practice? Despite talking of cutting out this unsustainable practice there is a back room policy that ensures it's continuation. I know you live in a drier area than me silverback - are you in favour of pumping fresh water out of an aquifer and into an oil pool?
This is the kind of thing that scares me about Alberta. I think the residents are great - good people that have grown up with conservative values but their voices and dreams are being drowned out by a Government increasingly singing the star spangled banner. We have already signed up to shipping out a large proportion of our gas and oil to the US - even if Canadian consumers run short we would have to put up with it as exports must continue. Water will be next. Don't you see that the result of extreme capitalism is the same as extreme socialism? Tom's joke about empty food store shelves in eastern Europe could someday be about Albertans standing around waiting for the last tanker of drinkable water to arrive just as easily.

[northfarmer]

grassfarmer, i do not have to explain anything, you insecutiry is obvious, you detest the opinions and views of others when they do not parrallel yours, ...this is a joke thread, and the joke is you cannot figure that one out..share a joke with us, do not critique those who do......but since you started it.....

as for American and or other foriegn investments in Canada to develope our resources and other sectors....where in Gods green earth do you expect the capital to come from to develope and then purchase these resources would come from, if not from the US it will be Japan, China, India......or should we resort to the old colonial times when your homeland would just run around the world and conquer and pillage, the English, Spaniards, and Purtugese were all good at that.....but no, we could just get the government to do it all for us, right???

[grassfarmer]

north farmer, you "don't have to explain anything" or is it "can't explain..."??

Accusing me of detesting "the opinions and views of others when they do not parrallel yours" - how is that any different to your replies northfarmer?

OK, so we have to limit this thread to jokes - why didn't you then?

As for "American and or other foriegn investments in Canada to develope our resources" don't you realise you have already recreated the colonial situation? Foreign exploitation of our mineral, agricultural and human resources is what we have now. This is not about developing these resources to benefit Canadians it is all about lining the pockets of a few corporate entities, mainly American in origin. I don't know of any "Purtugese" multinational corporations.

[TOM4CWB]

Grassfarmer,

Did you hear the joke about the grain farmer in the CWB "Designated Area" that was told he was recieving a premium for his CWB grain by CWB Single Desk Supporters in a Calgary Federal Court Hearing last week?

He was seen later seen by the RCMP covering a huge hole in the ground with a big payloader beside his field of barley !

The RCMP asked this fellow what he was doing since it was very close to the highway.

He said: "I found a Big bus load of CWB "single desk" supporters... they had crashed in the ditch!"

"A number of these people said they were not dead yet... but you know how those CWB "Single Minded" people LIE!"

[northfarmer]

hey grassfarmer...your jokes are not funny, tom's are even if some are dated ...

I was speaking of portugese colonial conquests, not modern global day capital origin....

suppose you would rather have the democratic based countries like Russian and China, maybe India ramp up their investment in Canada? geez they would be great long term investment partners in our natural resources..... we have not nearly the domestic demand for these commodities, whether it is the food we produce of which 75% is exported, the metallurgical coal, the oil, the nat gas, the lumber, with our single biggest trading partner and natural ally to the south of us it is no suprise we have an integrated ecomony.....Canadian's and Canadian company's are the single biggest foreign property owners in the USA, and not just vacation property but a good part of major commerical property development in cities like New York and LA...so it works both ways....

[Lifer]

actually investment of people from India has increased in the real estate in the Edmonton area. No joke.